this is all

well now had my last day at arts and scraps and i will tell all about it as soon as i get done
with my research paper. and being thats due tomorrow it wont be long at all.
 for the moment this is all.

just hanging out

A & S has been uneventful the last few weeks. i don't know if i mentioned it but peg has put me in the very capable hands of ms. c being as she has been the one i have worked with all this time it only made sense. My time at A & S has consisted of me trying to get the board i was originally assigned to do by peg done so that peg likes it. I think, hope, it is now at the place that peg is pleased. Besides doing the board i have made a x-mas tree ornament and helped ms. c put donations away. There really is not much for me to do but thats ok i like hanging with ms. c.

engage

today at a&s i was reminded why im in school for art therapy. that its not just some arbitrary decision a kinda eenee meene your it. i was talking with a woman when i realized what she wanted was some one to listen, so i listened. she talked about her son and speaking in tongues and believing that jesus could help her. so i put on my pentecostal state of mind and let her talk. i believed because she did.   it reminded me of the time in chicago when i escorted women into family planning clinics. it seems like it was always below zero and my toes hurt.  the anti choice people carried signs of dead fetuses and plastic statues of the virgin mary. a woman came out of the clinic and the antis started cheering and saying she didn't kill her baby and swarmed on her like bees on sugar. she looked up set so i punched through the bodies and got next to her put my arm around her and told her if she told them to leave her alone they would have to. ( both sides knew the laws) so she told them to leave her alone and i took her to have a coffee. turns out they wouldn't perform the procedure because she seemed unsure. so she talked and i listened. she thought she was done having kids. she couldn't afford this one. she was going back to school. i think to be a good therapist you must know how to listen. and some times put on another state of mind. im working on being an empath. change my last name to troy. ; >

tomorrow is halloween

i dont want to talk about a&s. i work with lovely women but i could be getting reading done and working on papers. its halloween tomorrow night. all saints day pagen new year. the time when the veil between the living and the dead is the thinest. day of the dead is a day later. i haven't been painting, there is no time and i don't know what box my paints and brushes are in. sigh. pastels are ok but painting is my love. some one asked me if it was the painting or the paint i love. but this person drew with graphite . no color and they where not real pictorial. lines and numbers. geometry . visually numbing to me. ha thats a bit judgey of me. i think of that question on a semi annual basis. and the answer is always the same. both. i love the paint cause its sensual its sexy. and i love painting because when it works i stand back looking at it admiring it. and i know with out a doubt its as good if not better than some great artists and i can see them in any museum any where and fuck any one who does not think they're great because they rock and i think ya i should be famous selling my paintings for a living. emmmhmmmm right and i will always keep that dream alive even when  some one doesn't like them and i doubt my self and feel like a fake a phony  the voices start and its all i can do not to sit in a corner and rock back and forth. you suck who you fooling since when give up really? but i go on any way cause i know im right and as previously stated fuck everyone else and instead i try to write apa style while i wait around to be saved or save my self if know one else comes along.

here there and everywhere

here there and everywhere

all right then- last week i - wait no 3 thursdays ago i think , any way i was given an assignment that i did not fully understand but with the help of ms. c i figured it out . so 2 weeks ago i took all the stuff i was given and made these bugs from the stuff , talked about the environment my imaginary bugs would live in and brought all that back to a&s where i put it on poster board and added words and i thought it looked cool and it did what was needed and ms. c thought it looked cool- yae life is good. went to a&s last week and asked ms.c what ms. peg thought,  ms. c shook her head sadly and told me what ms. peg actually wanted. well i was sorta not really kinda there. after much conversation with ms. c and ms. d ( bless those ladies hearts. they have been so much help! i am bringing them a box of donuts this week) i set about  giving ms. peg what she was looking for. thursday will tell.  all i know is i would not be able to do any of this with out the help of those 2 ladies ( ms. c&d) because its not like they have nothing else to do but help me and answer my questions. im not exactly sure what im supposed to get out of this assignment but thats ok, im sure ms. peg has something in mind that i just dont see yet cause im a bit here there and every where what with trying to get every thing done for my classes and my other service learning and work, stuff like that. so ill just focus on getting it to where ms. peg is happy and trust that she sees the big picture that im to distracted to notice.

its never about what its supposed to be about

ok then arts & scraps. i have found i need a day of digesting before i can write. and even then once i start writing my brain travels to other things through associations long before i type the first word so that it is almost always never completely what its supposed to be about.  so ms. peg made a project for me to do. i said i understood but upon further reflection i had no idea what she was talking about and its seems ms.lady who is the one im working most with and who seems loves color as much as i do, i can tell buy what she wears, beautiful saturated colors and she always seems to match the top, bottom and earrings and u might think that wouldn't work but because the colors please the eye so totally you just dont want to look away. i will call her ms. coalbolt( i know that not how u spell it but ive stumped spell check). so it turns out ms. colbolt who will now be known as ms.c. wasnt not clear on the concept either. so i asked ms. peg to explain it again then both ms. c. and i got it. it was nice to know it wasnt just me cause it usually is. validation to know youre not completely crazy.  nice people.

service training 1

so i had my first visit to arts & scraps. i met up with peg shes the director. she took me on a tour we set up a project for me and i'll be working with a woman named debra. i was going to do my other service learning through them as well only it doesnt fit the need of the class so its a no go. i will email peg later. right now im resting my brain after dealing with apa nightmare- no- learning experience. ya ha- staring in the mirror of my fear facing the demons fighting the dragon and yes living the nightmare. and then i think, well i could waitress for ever and ever and ever. or say ya, i know - do it any way.  arts & scraps seems innocent enough. no one looks like a monster whose out to get me. except me. so i will take it all one slice at a time as some one very smart once told me. i will make my dad proud i will make leonard proud i will  make me proud. and even though shes dead i will make my mom proud. besides all this anxiety is doing wonders for my dream life which helps in my dr. karen class. ya i think arts and scraps will be a lot like a drawing class cause its some thing that makes me use my imagination way more. because i have this fear that i have no real imagination and all my paintings were luck. and when i was drawing every day my drawing improved dramatically. but i never really enjoyed it cause it wasnt as sculpty and pretty as paint.  right. or its because i am horribly lazy by nature and i must be forced to do whats best for me. no, maybe but certainly not always. arts &scraps is i believe healing for the kids and for their families and i think for me as well. ok at least a start any way.  ;  >